If you know about Jack Handey, then you already know what you’re in for below. But did you know that this isn’t a made-up name? The guy’s name really is Jack Handey; it’s not a pseudonym. The more you know…
If you’ve never heard of Jack Handey, well then, you really need to use the Google machine to educate yourself. He’s a national treasure.
And without further ado, here are my 15 favorite Jack Handey quotes.
#15
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it.
#14
A funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who’s going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
#13
I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn’t know it. That’s because my dad always refused to let us look at the family’s financial records.
#12
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
#11
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
#10
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
#9
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
#8
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
#7
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.
#6
If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
#5
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
#4
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car—I forget what kind it was—and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called ‘Dad.’ We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
#3
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!
#2
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
#1
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.